You wear tons of jangly metal jewelry to the airport that has to be removed at the security line, but you (of course) don’t think to take it off before going through. (Come on Madonna, get into the groove.)
Shortly after the flight attendant announces that a line may not be formed by the forward lavatory – and that, yes, one person counts as a “line”-- you go stand outside the forward lavatory, waiting. (If you absolutely must eat three Taco Bell Crunchy Wrap Supremes before getting on the plane, make sure your sphincter can handle the wait.)
Rather than read, watch a movie, listen to music or sleep, like most folks do, you simply sit and stare at people for the whole flight. (I don't like it, I don't get it ,and I don't want to get it. Particularly if the person you’re staring at is me. If we were on the ground, I'd consider introducing you to my favorite new pepper spray.)
You breathe through your mouth on a crowded bus or train. (News flash: no one likes other people’s exhaled breath. And isn't breathing what our noses are for?!)
On a crowded bus or train, despite everyone around you shuffling and maneuvering to accommodate others, you stay put, ignoring every request to move to the rear. (Yeah, like "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" is that engrossing. Admit it: you're just selfish and inconsiderate.)
When a senior citizen, disabled person, or lady with small kids gets on, you do not offer that person your seat. (So you really were raised by wolves, it seems. Good to know.)
You sing out loud -- very loud -- to your Ipod or Zune. (Yes, I have the unmitigated gall to prefer Zune to Ipod. Sue me, Steve Jobs. Bring it!)
Has neon under-lighting and a low, bouncy suspension (cue the song “Low Rider”). That’s really all the info I need to know that you and I will not be friends. From Grace in Leesburg, VA: If your rear windshield has on it anything like "If it flies, it dies" along with the outline of a gun site, that's all I need to know about you. 3/31/2010
Is the most basic of basic models, yet is tricked out with all the fancy sport-model extras: a spoiler, equalizer, racing stripes, a “bra”, mag wheels and a jacked-up rear end. (Um, why not just spend the money on a better car?)
Is a low rider, hearse, or Hummer. Or worse, a green minivan. (Don't know why, but I inexplicably, irrationally and completely loathe green minivans. Well, all minivans really... But green ones are the devil's spawn of the automotive world.)
Has giant chrome wheels that leave almost no rubber visible on your tires. (Do you have something against tires, or did someone tell you giant chrome wheels are likely to get you laid?)
Has a gun rack and/or confederate flag anywhere on it. ('Nuff said -- especially, but not exclusively, for those living north of the Mason-Dixon line.)
From Ruth in Florence, AL: If you decide to speed away in your car as it's in the process of being repossessed, that's pretty much all I need to know about you. 4/19/2010.
Sports mud flaps with that seated naked lady silhouette. (Do you think this will make people think you're a stud? If so, I've got some this-just-in, not-so-good news for you.)
RSS Feed