All I Need To Know About You... - Miscellaneous

Et Cetera -- Or Random Stuff That Counts Too

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 15:29:10 -0800

It tells me all I need to know about you if:

You are, by anybody's estimation, an actual "superfan" of any sports franchise. You know, the kind who paints his face and bare chest the team colors, decks his dog out in the team uniform, and decorates his front yard like in the above photo. (Puh-freaking-LEEZ, people.)
You publicly -- and apparently also proudly -- adorn yourself with "Tea Party" accoutrements, such as tea bags hanging from your hat or visor. (Um, may I please remind you of the original meaning of the word "teabagger"? Or on second thought, maybe I better not. Someone may get hurt.)

You bring to a political rally a sign that reads: "And this time we came armed!" (Hey Einstein, did it not occur to you there are laws against threatening public officials?)
You holler out your car window at a person on rollerblades "get off the street, you moron!" or words to that effect. (In truth, sidewalks are unsafe for bladers, as they are often choppily-paved, teeming with people and pets, and abut many hidden alleys and drives. You'd know that if you ever got out from behind the wheel of your g1998 minivan and exercised.)

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From Pat in Chicago: It is all I need to know about you if You do not know the difference between to, too and two and you are over the age of 10. I understand people make typos, especially writing notes online...but seriously? "It takes to to tango" I saw a friggin' GROWN MAN write that. It doesn't even LOOK right for God's sake." 4/20/2010

It is also all I need to know about you if:

You're a dude who wears more jewelry than your girlfriend on an average day. (Bracelets, necklaces and rings, oh my! Ugh, where do I start?)

You a) own a pit bull, that b) has home-cropped ears, and c) is outfitted with a 20-pound chain link leash and a spike-studded collar. (Do folks actually think the type of dog you own somehow makes you cool? Or worse, that if you horribly mistreat your dog that makes you a "bad ass"?)

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From Suzi in Chicago: It tells me all I need to know about you if you proudly tell me you don't watch television because you consider it 90% junk. Well, as Gene Roddenberry used to say (and I am quoting a television guy), 90% of everything is junk. You will not impress me as someone of superior intelligence simply because you don't watch television; it will mean you have no pop-cultural references to converse about with regular people. Very snobby and very boring. 5/10/2010

It is also all I need to know about you if:

You a) own a pint-sized, flavor-of-the-month-white-fluffy-whatever dog, that b) has its hair dyed or tied off with ribbons or bows, and c) wears clothes. (All I can do is shake my head and wonder what this poor little dog ever did to you.)

When Abroad -- Or, You Are How You Travel

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:31:04 -0800

It is all I need to know about you if:

When in a foreign country, you are seen repeatedly asking the locals, in English, "Do you speak English?" because you insist they all can, but are choosing not to. (Yo Adrienne, not everyone speaks English. And guess what? If they don't, they can't respond to your question. Learn how to ask in the local language!)

When traveling to exotic locales, you hunt down and actually choose to dine at American chain "restaurants". (If you're so nervous about the local cuisine, perhaps another destination would be more appropriate. Ever heard of Epcot?)

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Your Hobbies -- Or, How You Spend Your Time Says A Lot

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 17:15:06 -0800

From Pat in Chicago: If the above record is anywhere in your collection, that's pretty much all I need to know about you. 5/10/2010.

It is also all I need to know about you if:
* On weekends, you frequent the woods in head-to-toe camouflage, toting various high-powered assault rifles. Not for hunting animals, but preparing for the inevitable day you and your posse will "bring down the gub'mint ".

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* Your free time is largely spent hanging out in a parking lot -- intentionally. (What could possibly be fun or interesting about that?)

* Watching -- or worse, driving -- an old muscle car as it spins in circles burning rubber (like in the video below) is your idea of a great time. (Yes, it takes all types. But I don't choose to spend time with "all types".)

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