<![CDATA[ All I Need To Know About You... - Personal Appearance]]>Sat, 09 Oct 2010 03:12:45 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[Tattoos, Piercings, Etc. -- Or, A Little Goes A Long Way]]>Mon, 19 Apr 2010 07:57:28 -0800http://www.allineedtoknowaboutyou.com/2/post/2010/04/tattoos-piercings-etc-or-a-little-goes-a-long-way.htmlIt is certainly all I need to know about you if:
  • More parts of your body are tattooed and pierced than aren't.  Especially if those parts include areas not PG-rated by the MPAA.  (Some tattoos and body piercings?  Kinda sexy.  But a whole body fully covered in ink and punched with unnatural holes?  Ew.) 
From Patrick in Chicago:  Bad tattoos are another "all I need to know about you" thing. Sometimes you can lay this on the artist but really, you should be paying attention.  And is getting a tattoo really the place for bargain hunting? Spring the extra cash for someone...competent. You're pretty much stuck with it if you get a gnarly tattoo that looks like it was done in prison with a bent fork. http://www.badtattoos.com/ .       4/22/2010.

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  • You have permanently emblazoned your body with hate-speech quips or symbols.  (To each their own politically [ed note: did I just say that?], but to be so proud of your hate that you tattooed it on your forehead?   Clearly you and I are not gonna get along, and I prefer it that way.)
  • You are desperately trying to morph yourself into an amphibian.  Unless you are a cast member in the long-running Broadway musical "The Lizard Man".  What?  There's no such musical?  Exaaaactly.
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]]><![CDATA[Plastic "Fantastic" -- Or, No One's Gonna Think That's Nature's Work]]>Tue, 13 Apr 2010 18:52:23 -0800http://www.allineedtoknowaboutyou.com/2/post/2010/04/plastic-fantastic-or-no-ones-gonna-think-thats-natures-work.htmlIt is most certainly all I need to know about you if:
  • You have a really bad hair piece or really obvious plugs. (Hey guys, here's a tip for you:  no real woman prefers that follicular sadness to a bit of baldness.  In fact, shaved heads are pretty sexy.  Take that, Sy Sperling!)
  • Your face looks like that freaky lady from the classic Terry Gilliam movie, "Brazil."    (That much plastic surgery is both scary and sad.  Anyone who would choose to do that to themselves is not someone with whom I'm likely to have anything in common. )
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  • You have fake boobs, a fake tan, collagen lips, cheekbone implants, veneers on your teeth and hair bleached to within an inch of its life.  (Who really are you, anyway?  I know:  not anyone I will be hanging out with anytime soon.)

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]]><![CDATA[If You're Sporting a DIY "Grill", I Definitely Won't Be Hanging Out With You]]>Fri, 09 Apr 2010 16:49:07 -0800http://www.allineedtoknowaboutyou.com/2/post/2010/04/no-even-if-you-know-how-to-make-your-own-grill-i-still-dont-want-to-hang-out-with-you.html
]]><![CDATA[Hair (Mall Bangs, Mullets, Tails) -- Or, How Ya Doin, Hot Stuff?]]>Thu, 08 Apr 2010 10:08:28 -0800http://www.allineedtoknowaboutyou.com/2/post/2010/04/hair-mall-bangs-mullets-tails-or-how-ya-doin-hot-stuff.html
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It tells me all I need to know about you if: 
  • Gentlemen, you are still (or worse, newly) sporting a mullet -- any mullet -- I highly doubt you and I will ever be hanging out.  (Yes, it was cute and cool on Andre Agassi.  But you are not he, and this is not the 80s.) 
  • Ladies, your giant, crunchy mall bangs are still proudly reaching for the stars.  This truly is all I need to know about you.
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  • You still have a "tail" (unless you are Karl Lagerfeld or Steven Seagal). All tails should be banished to bad hair purgatory.  Until such time, if you happen to have a tail, I'm pretty sure you and I will not be hanging out. 
  • You style your child's hair into a mullet, or give the child mall bangs and/or a tail.  There is a very special bad-hair place reserved for you, just south of purgatory.   And no, we won't be hanging together there.
  • You are over the age of 30, have a mohawk, and wear a chain-link belt, studded leather jacket and paratrooper boots.   (It may have been cool on 20-somethings in the late 70s and early 80s.  But 30 is not 20, and you just look pathetic.)
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]]><![CDATA[Camo, Bling and Gangsta Gear -- Or, Are You Serious?]]>Thu, 08 Apr 2010 09:40:26 -0800http://www.allineedtoknowaboutyou.com/2/post/2010/04/camo-and-gangsta-gear-or-are-you-really.html
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 I've got all I need to know about you if: 
  • You have a "grill" -- and I'm not talking about a Weber or Smoky Joe.  If the white part of your teeth is completely covered by so-called ice, gold, or any other bling, you and I clearly have nothing in common.
  • You wear an oversized, sideways baseball cap and gigantic jeans that are (intentionally) slung below your tighty whities.  Or tighty reds, blues, plaids – whatever.  (Seriously – why?  Comfort?  Doubt it.  Style?  Um, no.  To show unequivocally that you are a complete pinhead, the likes of whom I would never befriend?  Check!)  People who choose to dress like this tell me absolutely all I need to know about them.
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  • You walk around in head-to-toe camo gear -- and you, let’s just say, are quite obviously not in the military and do not need camouflage.  (I may be afraid of you, but I don’t have to be your friend.)
  • You walk around with one of those ridiculous, giant medallions around your neck, ala Flavor Flav's clock  from decades ago.   (It was barely passably cool years ago when Run DMC and Public Enemy did it.  On you, today?  Um, no.)

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]]><![CDATA[T-shirts & Clothing -- Or, Be Careful What You Announce]]>Wed, 07 Apr 2010 19:09:01 -0800http://www.allineedtoknowaboutyou.com/2/post/2010/04/t-shirt-etiquette.html
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I've got all I need to know about you if: 
  • You and your significant other wear matching t-shirts that say "I'm with stupid" and "Stupid".   (It's really, truly NOT funny.)
  • You roll up your t-shirt sleeves around a pack of smokes, and you are not Marlon Brando or James Dean.  ( Exception allowed for Brando or Dean Halloween costumes -- and that's it. )
  • You roll up your t-shirt sleeves at all.  (Have you really that little style sense?  How about a pulse?!)
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  • You wear (or even own) a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to your beer gut that says "Made in the USA".  (Proud of that flab, are ya?)
  • Ladies, you wear super low-cut boob shirts and super high-cut miniskirts at the same time.  (Either/or might be okay -- if you're in shape and below age 35.  But both together?  Super-cali-fragi-Jerseylicious, no matter your age.)
  • You still wear a “Frankie Say Relax” t-shirt, and not for its throwback, vintage’y hipness (mostly because it doesn’t have any).
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  • You wear anything that has the words "…and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" on it.   (You do realize that just because someone bought you that, doesn't mean you have to actually wear it?)
  • You wear (or for that matter, own) a t-shirt that says "the only good cat is a dead cat".   Honestly,  you don't have to love cats, or even have pets at all.  But to proudly proclaim that level of hate for an animal pretty solidly tells me all I need to know about you.   And it's not good.
  • Guys, you wear your "dress shirts" unbuttoned all the way down to your navel.   (Hairy or smooth chest, jewelry or no jewelry, six pack abs or not, for the love of god, men, please don't do this!)
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